No matter what happens, I will be published by 23rd September 2010.

No matter what happens, I will be published by 23rd September 2010.

That's going to be my 29th birthday. Not bad for a birthday present for myself. I could've gone down the typical, predictable and easy road of chosing anything I could afford from the entire shopping mall or pampered myself with a nice weekend or holiday getaway somewhere I've been meaning to go or even just spend it with my loved ones. But no.

No matter what happens, I will be published by 23rd September 2010. Great if the news reaches me on that - would be - fateful day, or even if I made before that. It doesn't matter, an extra birthday gift on top of the early birthday gift wouldn't be too bad. In fact, it'll probably make it the best birthday ever in my life so far. Not that these kind of things bother me. They don't.

You see, I'm not fond of birthdays.

Should I be? Maybe. Why shouldn't I be, right? It's not a bad thing to be fond of, great memories make lovely company. I recently have made myself a friend-for-keeps, and in one of our lepak sessions she was recounting what happened during her birthdays - what did she do for the 21st birthday, where she was when she turned 22, how boring it was when she had 24th, the colourful & exciting one that she had at 12 and a few more milestones.

I got jealous.

Not because her birthdays sounded better than the ones I had, but because she was able to remember them, and be able to recount them. For the next 10 minutes of our lepak session, my consciousness was split into two. While one stayed with my present self, the other skimmed through my memories for any recollections of any of my birthdays that were celebrated.

Could hardly find one.

And as that realisation hit me, it became clear to me what I've been missing in my life - not birthday parties, not birthday gifts, not birthday bashes, but actually what those birthdays were supposed to mean in the first place - my achievements and accomplishments, where I've been and how far I've come in life.

Birthdays like many other dates in life, are markers. No matter how different birthdays are observed depending on the myriad religions, races, cultures or traditions alive in this world, it's significance will always be the same - where are you now and what you've done in the past year.

I'm not unhappy that my birthdays weren't celebrated like many others'. Not that I needed my birthdays to celebrated to quell this thirst for attention and acceptance, I've lived long enough without those to see the rest of my life through. I undertand perfectly well how my parents are, and what sort of condition our family was in back when I was young enough for my birthdays to be celebrated with parties. This isn't about me getting back at them.

This is about me realizing that I need markers in my life. Even if no one else marks my life, I should be marking them. It's my life, after all. And after going through 28 years of life where there has been so many - just so many - could haves, I'm just tired of it all. Tired of the constant last minute effort, tired of the lonely consoling of myself disappointment after disappointment, tired of living with everyone's reservations and impressions as a failing excuse to not think big about myself.

Tired of myself.

So I will mark my life with a big accomplishment. There have been many worthy markers in my life, but those have been left in time's safekeep, meant only for my future wisdom. I've always failed to keep my word, and I've always been a coward. I've always flattered to deceive, and I've always said more than I've actually done. And though things might not change that much in a little less than a year, it's still worthy of an effort. It's my life, after all. And since I've been told that I make a good writer, and that I do write occasionally, and that I love writing and reading, I don't care if I'm going to be laughed at, ridiculed, sneered, scoffed at. I know I've got things to say about this world, and I know that I can make the world a little bit better.

No matter what happens, I will be published by23rd September 2010.